My Family

Hello people! How are you guys doing? I have been thinking of my family these days and how they have shaped me. I grew up in a large family. I am the youngest in a family of six- eldest sister, my second sister and brother are twins and then there's me. Since the age gap between the rest of my siblings and me is quite large, they were more influential on me than my parents. My parents were bored when I came around. I was pampered as the baby of the family- my sisters used to entice me to share their bed with them- my eldest sister with stories and my second sister I don't remember what. The story involved a boy , a bear, a plane and a forest. It got created as the night went on and I was permitted to make additions- I vaguely remember one of them was a mobile sink. My second sister, when I was in kindergarten, always took me with her during recess. With my brother, it was hard initially coz he resented me because of all the attention I got as a kid, but later he was okay with me. I grew up in very lush North India in a beautiful large government owned house with a nice kitchen garden- we took organic food for granted and didn't realize how expensive it was outside.
Being the baby of the family has its good and bad sides. The good- Since my dad was the only earning member of the family, money was for more important things like education, clothes were secondary. But all of us girls love clothes and it was hard for my sisters. They made sure that I had enough when they started earning. I look upto my siblings quite a lot. My eldest sister, she really showed us what we could achieve. Coming to America was an impossible dream until she showed it could be done. She was so motivated on her career and she is doing very well today- she works at Intel as a hardware engineer and is pursuing an MBA and she went through some really hard times while getting an education- having to live with relatives and a cousin who hated her- I really admire her for getting through all that. My second sister has always been my playmate. I adore her. She is accepting of me, does not put any pressure on me, lets me figure my way out and is there for me when I need her. My brother was spiritually inclined since adulthood and eventually went on to become a monk. My siblings exposed me to good literature, good music, and always set very high standards for me. So I learnt to appreciate a lot of good quality stuff through them.
The bad of being the youngest- Since they were such towering figures in my life, they could do no wrong - I really sought their approval quite a lot, especially my eldest sister and my brother. So to break free from them, know of my own likes and dislikes and trust my own instincts has taken me some time. Even among my extended family, I was ignored as the youngest one- so to value my own opinions and judgements has been another break free from my siblings experience. I am a sensitive person, I used to call them up at the slightest hurt I felt which to them was no biggie. I am glad it was made known to me how hard it was for them when I was hurting and even tiresome at times- ever since then I am superconscious of the fact that I am not draining on anyone. I don't want to complain. But some old habits take time to fade. As far as possible, I try to deal with them on my own, but sometimes, the self gets too much to bear and I need an outlet.
Another thing I have realized is that they are not these perfect creatures who know how to deal with everything. My eldest sister, since while growing up she had to encounter those hard environments, she had to to toughen herself. She is beautiful and has had a lot of attention but she just pushes people who try to get too close to her. She may deny the fact, but this is what I feel. That does not remove the desire to have someone however. She also has this perfectionist tendencies where nothing is good enough. She is hard on herself as well as us and that makes it hard to be with her at times. Don't get me wrong- she has a great sense of humor, is funny and always has helped out the family financially. But it took me a while to realize that I could actually be there for her emotionally. Same goes for my other siblings. My brother was a software engineer before he joined the monastry. Their's is a modern monastry. He's their tech support guy. He sends an occasional e-mail
I am sorry if I have poured out complaints when I am frustrated. I try hard to be responsible for my emotions and keep myself happy and believe in myself that I can actually do good quality work, make more money. Its not easy especially when you are prone to bring yourself down, but the more I read blogs and see people around me, its the same for everybody and all we can do is give the self a chance, keep trying and never ever give up on ourselves..